


Apologist

by limp_dragon (cant_spell_destiel_without_lets_die)



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Berserker Thor (Marvel), Eventual mpreg, Hurt/Comfort, Jotunn Loki (Marvel), M/M, Pining, Pre-Thor (2011), Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-06-28 17:14:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19816843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cant_spell_destiel_without_lets_die/pseuds/limp_dragon
Summary: In which Loki never hated his brother and Thor will never not defend Loki.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After lurking for 5 years I’ve decided it’s finally time for me to write my first fanfic. So here’s something completely self indulgent (for me, at least)  
> Rating may (most likely will) go up later

By his first century, Thor was revealed to be a mighty berserker with an insatiable bloodlust, a god among gods. All of Asgard rejoiced being once again under the protection of an indomitable warrior guaranteed to bring glory on the battlefield. Odin gifted him the legendary weapon, Mjölnir, and pronounced him worthy of the throne. In the following weeks, the boisterous feasting exonerated the golden prince of Asgard... and pushed Loki permanently out of Asgard’s light.

Of course, Loki should have known from the very beginning that he never had a chance at the throne, at being Thor’s equal. Where Thor had grown into a bulky mountain of a man, Loki had remained slender and lithe. That didn’t mean that Loki couldn’t hold his own in a fight (in fact, he could easily best any of Asgard’s finest warriors save for his brother), but he simply didn’t fit the image of what a warrior, a king, should be. His reliance on strategy (trickery, said some) and sorcery (cheating, said others) meant that Loki’s abilities were never appreciated by the Asgardians. Even if he did somehow gain the throne, he would never be loved.

While obvious, that didn’t mean such knowledge didn’t hurt. But Frigga’s love and Thor’s golden brilliance made it bearable for Loki. After all, even though he can’t be loved by Asgard, he had his mother’s love, and he knew that in his place, Thor can be a worthy king. Most importantly, the few times Loki found himself on the receiving end of Thor’s affection filled his heart with such joy that he would almost completely forget his pain. After all, Thor was the only one who didn’t scorn Loki’s magic, and instead expressed joy and amazement with every new spell he learned. It was impossible to hate the golden son of Asgard, impossible not to love him. This was as true for Loki as it was for everyone else who knew him. But there was always a traitorous voice inside his head that whispered he wasn’t worthy of such attentions, that he wasn’t nearly as important to Thor as Thor was to him.

////

It first happened during a skirmish in Vanaheim between a small city and some raiders. Thor was nearly two centuries old, and had been questing throughout the nine realms since being gifted Mjölnir to prove his worthiness as future Allfather. The battle had gone horribly wrong when the bandits had overwhelmed the city guards, who underestimated their number. With all his allies dead or dying, Thor found himself surrounded. In desperation, he felt his berserker rage overtake him, filling his vision with red. In his frenzy, Thor rendered the raiders from limb to limb, massacring them all and had left none alive. Yet even after the bloodbath, Thor’s rage did not fade, and soon his anger was focused on the city he was meant to protect. While most of the citizens had already evacuated when the battle went south, there were a few that were not so lucky to escape Thor’s wrath. And when there were none left alive to feed his bloodlust, Thor turned his anger against the land herself, razing the fields with lightning in such a way that it could never be fertile again. 

The news of Thor’s frenzy quickly reached Asgard, and Odin prepared for the worst. If Thor could not be brought out of his rage, then Odin will have to sacrifice his firstborn for the safety of the realm. 

His decision was made among the furtive whispers of an emergency council meeting, kept secret from the rest of Asgard so not to alarm them. But Loki was the god of mischief, and there were few secrets that didn’t find their way to his ears. Learning of his father’s resolve to kill Thor if he must filled Loki with fear and rage. Under the cloak of shadows and subterfuge, Loki rushed out of Asgard, desperate to do all that he could to save his brother, one of few individuals who brought light into Loki’s dark existence. 

When Loki finally reached Vanaheim, he was greeted by a scene of absolute destruction. Thor’s lightning had razed the city to its foundations, and scorched the earth black. In the midst of the storm stood Thor himself, radiating pure energy and striking a deep primal fear in even Loki’s heart. But Loki refused to be scared away, for if he gave up, Thor would die and take with him a piece of Loki’s own heart. 

Seemingly aware of his presence, Thor turned his gaze to Loki, and the sight made his blood run cold. Where Thor’s golden face used to radiate warmth and kindness were instead cold sightless eyes blinded with lightning that showed no hint of recognition. At the same time, however, Loki felt what must have been Mjölnir’s seidr reach out to him. “Save him,” she seemed to whisper. 

Distracted by the uru weapon’s voice, Loki didn’t notice his brother charging at him until it was nearly too late. Eyes widened, he braced himself for the fatal blow with a few hastily thrown spells, and yet none came. When Loki glanced upon his brother’s face again, Thor’s eyes were cleared of rage, instead horror and shock dominated his expression.

“Loki, what have I done?”


	2. Chapter 2

Odin was concerned. When Asgard celebrated their crown prince being a berserker, Odin worried. After all, there were few alive that remember the last berserker, before those warriors faded into legend. And Odin made sure that even fewer remembered the untamable chaos they unleashed on both friend and foe. Better they remain forgotten, so that Odin’s greatest mistake would stay buried along with those memories...

Burdened with the truth, Odin feared for his firstborn’s fate. And when news from Vanaheim reaches him, he knew his fears were confirmed. 

And yet, against all odds, Thor was brought back to Asgard clear of mind, though not of conscience. Both were aware that Thor could no longer be trusted to wander the realms on his own. Thus Odin appointed the Warriors Three as loyal companions to the crown prince, there to fight alongside him, to offer their wisdoms, and to restrain him by any means necessary should he succumb to his rage.

////

There was something broken within him. Asgard regarded him as the perfect, golden prince, but Thor knew that he was born deeply flawed. He had always been far more prone to rage than any other, and his berserker status had been no surprise to him.

But it was not being a berserker that made Thor so ashamed of himself. No, it was how he could not stand knowing that he can never be more to Loki than his brother. 

It was wrong for him to desire his brother in such a way. Wrong for him to want to draw Loki in close, to feel his rapid heartbeat between his arms, to whisper words of adoration into his soft skin, to sink his teeth into Loki’s pale column of a neck, and hear his helpless cries as he’s taken again and again on Thor’s bed...

Thor didn’t know when exactly his feelings towards Loki became less than fraternal, but looking back, he should have known it was inevitable. Asgard was a fool for idolizing Thor when it was Loki who was perfect. Loki with his deceivingly delicate frame that hid a warrior’s strength. His lithe movements were as graceful as they were fatal, almost reminiscent of the valkyries. But it was Loki’s stubborn defiance and sharp tongue that Thor loved the most. For there were few in Asgard who regarded Thor not as the crown prince, but as himself, and Loki had never been the type to cower at anyone, especially not Thor. Thor loved when Loki playfully teased him, and he knew that even though Loki may call him a “thick-headed oaf,” it will always be out of affection. And though his sharp tongue led many in Asgard to believe him to be cold, Thor that behind his harsh exterior was a kind heart.

Truly, there was no one in all of Asgard, nay, the entire universe, who Thor loved more than he did Loki.

And when Thor realized that he had the potential to hurt his beloved as he almost did, he found himself irreparably broken.

////

They never talked about what had happened. Not that Thor gave him a chance to to begin with. Ever since they returned from Vanaheim, Loki had hardly even seen Thor, much less exchanged words with him. Anytime they did cross paths, Thor’s eyes would widen almost comically, and he would quickly run the other way. Normally, seeing his big strong brother act this cowardly would amuse Loki, but the haunted and guilty expression in Thor’s eyes every time extinguished any humor he could have found in the situation. 

Instead, Loki was hurt. It seemed to him that his position of being Thor’s confident had been replaced by the Warriors Three and Sif, who was eventually added to the motley crew. He felt so foolish for thinking that Thor would never abandon him. After all, who would want to stay associated with an ergi sorcerer, and have their reputation tainted so?

Despite how bereft he felt without his brother’s company, Loki was too stubborn to cave in and seek Thor out. And although over the course of the next few decades they did indeed start talking again, neither dared to broach topics with any degree of seriousness, and their relationship remained strained.

///

Avoiding Loki had been immensely difficult, but necessary. Thor knew he couldn’t control himself as a berserker, and he wanted to be as far away from Loki when he does lose control again. He felt unworthy, unworthy of Loki’s company, of being the revered prince of Asgard... and even of wielding Mjölnir. 

Since his return from Vanaheim, Thor, Mjölnir had sat abandoned on a display, gathering dust instead of blood. And although the uru weapon’s song never stopped, Thor couldn’t trust himself with her destructive capabilities.

Thor wanted to become worthy. And so he dedicated himself single-mindedly to mastering his berserker rage. He traveled the nine realms with the Warriors Three and Sif with hope of finding someone who could teach him control. In Alfheim, the elves offered to teach him seidr that could reign in his berserker nature, but Thor quickly found that he had no aptitude for sorcery. The dwarves of Nidavellir tried crafting a weapon that could absorb Thor’s battle rage, but every one of them shattered in his hands. The scholars of Vanaheim had little knowledge to offer beyond what was already known by the Aesir, and had no texts written from a berserker’s point of view. Though the fire demons did harness a battle fugue similar to the berserkers, their level of rage paled in comparison, and thus the warriors of Muspelheim did not have what Thor was seeking. There was little point in venturing to Jotenheim when Asgard’s relations with the frost giants was still tense, and the paths to Niflheim were closed to the living. Traveling to Midgard had proven to be useless as well, though the days they spent among Midgardian tribes who revered them were interesting. 

It was after Thor had exhausted all those options when it happened again, after many decades of peace. He found himself consumed by helplessness after all his failed attempts. That helplessness quickly transformed into frustration, then into anger. Anger over the unfairness of it all, the futility. But most importantly, he was angry with himself, for being so weak that he couldn’t even control his own emotions, for being so unworthy.

And so, Thor found himself once again lost to his rage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I clearly still don’t understand all the logistics behind publishing on ao3 yet


	3. Chapter 3

Sif didn’t trust Loki. Unlike her, he didn’t have to work to gain Asgard’s respect, didn’t have to dispel the stigma against female warriors. And yet he purposely squandered his position with his cowardly sorcery and tricks. No, she couldn’t trust someone who would defy Asgard’s principles so openly and shamelessly.

But she had no choice. She and the Warriors Three has severely underestimated the extent of Thor’s berserker rage. What fools they were, for thinking they could restrain him! And they had paid the price for their foolishness: Fandral was bleeding heavily from a leg wound, Hogun was desperately gasping for air with his broken ribs, Volstagg’s skin was a motley of green and purple bruises, and Sif herself could no longer feel nor use her sword arm after a particularly strong blast of lightning.

“Sif...” Hogun struggled to speak between his wheezes, “Sif, you have get out of here. Return to Asgard.”

“No! I refuse to run away like a coward!” Especially not when she had finally accepted among the ranks of Asgard’s warriors.

“You’re in no condition to fight,” Hogunn said with a pointed look at Sif’s useless arm. “We will die before Thor calms without any help.” Despite his despairing words, Hogun delivered his speech as calm as ever. Typical. 

He made sure that he was looking Sif in the eye with his last statement. “Find Loki,” Hogun asserted. “He was the one who brought Thor back to Asgard safely last time. Perhaps he can succeed where our strength has failed”

Loki... Sif felt sick at the thought of leaving Thor’s fate in the hands of that vile, two-faced snake. But, as much as she hated to admit it, Hogun was right. In Thor’s current state, no soldier or army could stop him without also killing him. And ultimately, Sif’s love for Thor outweighed her hatred of Loki. When nearly everyone else had laughed at the thought of a female warrior, Thor had welcomed her instead and treated her as he would had any of his other companions. For that, she owed him her life.

Sif was determined to do whatever it took to bring Thor back.

///

“So, what trouble has Thor gotten himself into this time?”

The Warriors Three were not his friends, and Loki was aware that Sif in particular harbored a burning hatred for him. They would only ever approach him if Thor needed his help. Loki was used to being called to either talk Thor out of various diplomatic disasters, or to break some tricky curse.

“Thor... has become berserk again,” Sif spat out between labored breaths from her quick flight to Asgard. 

Loki felt a chill run through his body. No matter how strained their relationship had become, Loki could not bear the thought of losing his brother.

“And weren’t you supposed to protect him?” Loki snapped at her, “to think Thor had trusted his life with you halfwits!”

“Will you help him or not?” The resentment was clear in Sif’s voice.

“Given how useless you have all proven to be, I don’t have a choice, do I?”

Always one to have the final word, Loki left a fuming Sif, and allowed his seidr to lead him to Thor.

///

The scene of destruction that greeted Loki was familiar, but even then nothing could have prepared him for the sight of his berserker brother. In that moment, Thor looked every bit like the wrathful god the mortals portrayed him as. Loki couldn’t help feeling as though he were just some moth to a flame; Thor’s fury was every bit as beautiful as it was terrifying. 

This time, without Mjölnir to channel his powers, Thor’s lightning burned his surroundings just as much as it burned himself. His flesh sparked and sizzled and an ethereal light emitted from his skin, almost as though he had swallowed a star. The lightning would eat away at Thor until there was nothing left, Loki realized.

“Thor!” Loki yelled out, catching his brother’s attention. Thor roared in response, and swept away the Warriors Three as if they were flies, making Loki the new target of his fury. With an earth shattering bellow, Thor lunged at Loki. However, his form passed right through Loki’s image as if he was mere mist. An illusion.

Seeing Loki to his left, Thor once again charged at his brother, only to find that it was once again just an illusion. Soon, Thor found himself surrounded by Loki’s mirror images. With a frustrated roar, Thor attacked every clone. Yet with each one that dissipated, another two replaced it, and Thor was never able to find the real Loki. 

While Thor was focused on fighting Loki’s illusions, he didn’t notice the magical shackles that were snaking towards him. When he once again reached out to pin Loki down, Thor found that he was suddenly unable to move, and was bound by Loki’s chains. One by one, Loki’s clones disappeared until the real him stepped in front of Thor.

“This may hurt, brother,” he muttered softly. “For both of us.”

With that, Loki placed his palm on his brother’s forehead, his seidr seeped into Thor. When he felt the last of his seidr drain out of him, both he and Thor immediately collapsed.

///

When Loki opened his eyes, he found himself in a tumultuous landscape. Dark, roiling clouds spewed out thunder above him, and the black earth below quaked in response. Though his barren surroundings offered no landmarks, Loki knew he was inside Thor’s mind.

From the moment he was conscious, Loki could feel a magnetic force pull at him. With nothing else to guide his journey, Loki allowed himself to be lured. He walked for what could have just as easily been minutes as it could have been days. There was no telling time in this place, and Loki’s seidr-made form felt no fatigue. He had to have been making progress though, for with each step Loki took, he felt the force pull stronger. Eventually, Loki reached some flight of stairs that spiraled deep beneath the earth. With a quick spell to summon a mage light, Loki began his descent into the darkness. 

At the bottom of the stairs, Loki found that his mage light was no longer necessary. There before him was a glowing red vortex that cocooned a figure that Loki knew instinctively was his brother. 

“Thor!” Loki called out, but he received no response. Loki tried yelling his brother’s name again, but the figure within remained still.

Loki reached into the cocoon, hoping to pull Thor out of it, but stopped with a pained gasp. The flesh where he had made contact with the blood red tendrils felt as though it were flayed apart, despite there not being any physical damage. Gritting his teeth, Loki once again moved towards Thor. He screamed as he felt his skin split apart, but he didn’t dare give up. The moment he felt his hand make contact with Thor’s skin, the ground beneath him cracked open. The dark landscape around him deteriorated, and crumbled away like sand in the wind. 

Loki felt Thor grasp his hand as their surroundings fell apart. He could have sworn he saw a glimpse of a blue sky before he once again blacked out.


End file.
